A Weird Gratitude For A Hot Temper

"I was a wonderful parent before I had children."

This is the opening line from a parenting book I love. It's similar to a line I have said many times:

I didn't know I had an anger problem until I had children.

It was a devastating thing to have to learn about myself. 

I can still remember. I can still FEEL the rage knotted in my stomach as I drove away from the house. Someone had come over to give me a break. I only had one kid, 2 years old, at the time. He was a BULLDOZER of a kid. The kind that makes you realize you are going to have change your expectations and choose your battles. Otherwise, every day is going to be one very long battle.

I drove away from the house pounding my fists on the steering wheel and screaming like a primal nutcase. Gah, it embarrasses me to even think about it.

I was just so SICK of having my will thwarted over and over again. I was sick of having to bend everything to the will of another. To always take into account how he would react to my decisions. To always have to be ready to stand my ground if it was something I could not bend on (like safety and sleep and seatbelts). And then to always feel overrun if it was something I could bend on and did for the sake of my own sanity.

And of course, all of this was just layered on top of the mind-bending, life-altering event of going from having a life that largely revolved around my (and my husband's) whims, needs and desires to submitting that life to the work of preserving the life of another.

Quite the recipe for coming to the end of oneself. And discovering that who I was at the end there was not who I thought I was and not who I wanted to be.

But what a moment for the gospel. What a beautiful and unexpectedly perfect moment for that sweet, sweet gospel. The one that tells me that all my sins have been washed as white as snow. The one that tells me that my sin is no surprise to God, He always knew just what kind of a sinner I was, even if I had maybe started to think I wasn't THAT kind of sinner. He knew. And He still sang over me with loud singing and sent His Son to demonstrate His love for me by laying down His life for mine.

In the belly of the beast, I rediscovered the joy of my salvation.

And so I've developed a weird kind of gratitude for this hot temper. It keeps me humble. It keeps me going to the throne of grace for mercy and help in my time of need. 

When we have exhausted our store of endurance
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father's full giving is only begun

There is so much more to unravel here and we will do just that next week during Taming Mommy's Temper Bootcamp in the free Facebook group. RSVP to the event in the group here and get the free workbook here!